control

So I finally received a text from him. At 1.09am, whilst I was fast asleep. He asked for me to check my Skype before picking a fight with him. I checked it everyday since he went missing. You see, we made a deal - if something were to happen to either one of us and there was no way to communicate through our phones, we'd do so through Skype. True to that, I checked my Skype everyday, but of course, to no messages whatsoever. At 7.28am, I received a call from a name ever so familiar. That name hadn't appeared on my phone for quite a while and whilst I felt a sense of relief, I also felt a little nervous as to what I was about to hear. Was he involved in an accident? Did something happen to his phone? Did he go on a trip? Had his phone no signal? Did he meet up with one of his exes and got back together with her? Was there someone else? To my relief, none of that happened. He was, however, robbed at gunpoint. Something that I felt was way worse than what I could've imagined. What would've happened if I lost him? 

A million of things ran through my mind that day. I've been thinking a lot the past few days and I can't quite put into words what I'm feeling. I think of the past, the present and the future - all of which I have no control as to what will happen. Sure, I can choose what happens. I can choose what kind of job I want to be in. However, being given the opportunity to even work in that job is something that I have no control over. That's the thing that's been on my mind. Control. Controlar o el control en español. How much power do we possess in controlling the things that happen in our lives? How much time do we spend trying so hard to have control over them? How many people do we push away to have exactly what we want? How many times will I have to shed my tears for the things that he doesn't do? It's strange. Why are we so hellbent on taking charge of things that are, well, uncontrollable? I can't control what time I will wake up tomorrow morning - What if I wake up before my alarm that's been set for 5.30am? Will I awake from a nightmare or a dream so sweet? Will I even wake up? 

To control something gives you somewhat of an edge over life. It allows you to taste what it's like having the ability - the power - to have something go exactly according to how you want it to. But the thing is, can you actually have total power over things? If things go your way, are you grateful? If so, to whom are you grateful to? To yourself? Because you controlled everything and executed everything according to plan? If things don't go your way, are you upset? If so, to whom are you upset with? To yourself? To the barista who couldn't make your favourite drink because she had run out of Toffee Nut syrup? 

The thing is, you have no control over anything. Yes, you can plan, you can dictate, you can delegate, you can do anything. The end result though, do you have control over that? Do I have control over whether we'd be able to meet the next year? Do I have control over the people who walks in and out of his life? Do I have control whether he would show up for our Skype dates? Do I have control over whether he calls me before he sleeps? Do I have control over the things he does? Do I have control over whether he bothers to learn about my culture, my religion, how they both helped shape me into the person I am today? Do I have control over whether we would eventually end up together? Most importantly, do I have control over his feelings for me? 

No.

But I do have control over myself. My thoughts, my feelings and how I manipulate anger, sadness or hopelessness into something else that instead of eats me away, makes me stronger as a person. 

You know how they say that once you get hurt, your heart hardens up? I think I finally understand it.